Stillwater News Press

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January 3, 2014

Coming in 2014: Legal weed for women, honor roll for everyone, free handguns

(Continued)

August

The president plays his 300th round of golf – the most of any president since Dwight Eisenhower.

Asked about it at a press conference, Obama expresses shock. “Nobody informed me about this,” he says. “Let me be clear. I want the American people to know that nobody is madder about this than me. And I will not rest until I have brought the people responsible for this to justice.”

September

NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden turns himself in and stands trial, where he argues that since the president ignores laws he doesn’t like – including his own health care law – he should be able to, as well. The judge rejects the argument, chiding Snowden for assuming that the law applies equally to everyone.

“Obedience to the law is only for the little people,” he says. “That is part of the transformation of America that the president promised before he was elected.”

October

President Obama announces that the second phase of his campaign to eliminate inequality in America will be for the federal government to provide every citizen of voting age with a handgun.

“It’s not fair that only some people can afford a firearm,” he says. “This is the great challenge of our generation – to make sure that everyone in American can become a ‘gun nut.’”

November


Health and Human Services Director Kathleen Sebelius announces that all labor unions will be permanently exempt from the Obamacare tax on so-called “Cadillac” health plans.

“It is too much of a burden on hard-working people,” she says, “and this will also let the American people know that when the president talks about everybody playing by the same rules, he’s just kidding.”

December

The president announces that the federal government will now fund college costs for all students except those who come from “millionaire” families – those making $250,000 or more.

The cost will be covered by “asking the wealthy to pay a bit more,” he says, adding, “this should not increase our deficit by a single dime.”

Taylor Armerding is an independent columnist. Contact him at t.armerding@verizon.net

 

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